My languished heart is still beating, feebly. The memories that tied tightly around it keeps me alive. The bruised soul that seems vacant since the day you left me, is still is and even more deserted. It has shrunk to a smaller size, and the surface of it rugged  , for it lacks your nourishing loves and affections.

Could you please at least be responsible for this one?

I have passed the rainbow, far behind. But the thought for/of you is I believe endless. And because of that, I drive all this way to see you. To pull you close, so that I can feel your breath right from your nose. The warmth of your body surely will heat this icy self up to love temperature, and melt it down. It can pacify the upcoming uninvited visits of the old memories.

You know what is left for me to live happily?

You know what will stop me from seeking you?

You know what will make this love disappear?

The answer is NOTHING but this last meet. Though I know it will beget agony, but I still have to meet you as there will be the only chance to steal the love that you kept at the abyss of your heart.

Incandescent 

It means (source)

; shining brightly.

; emitting visible light when being heated.

; characterized by ardent emotion, intensity or brilliance.

This word is interesting.

But the informal meaning is not. It means angry.

One word can describe two opposite meanings it seems, no? How can a shinning and bright light can be equated to being angry?

Funny as it sounds but in life you will find that quite frequent. One emotion can be expressed in many ways. Or one expression can tell you multiple feelings.

For life is never about a thin layer of surface. It is a pile of thick layers. And it’s heavy.

Actually, I was looking for plain A4 paper but there was none.

I started to draw.

I am not good at drawing, that one I admit. I am not Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Klimt or any other renowned painters. Anyway, have you seen their works? Here’s one attractive painting that amazed me – a great piece from Klimt.

Beautiful, right? There are many paintings from Klimt that I love but most of his paintings are erotic as he believed that is how to depict the art as ( which I got to disagree and don’t think proper to display ).

But there was one saying from him that I like.

“I can paint and draw. I believe this myself and a few other people say that they believe this too. But I’m not certain of whether it’s true.”

So, even though I am not good at drawing and painting but I believe I can draw and paint as quoted in his saying.

But, lo and behold, why were there many paintings that I found on the internet erotic? Was every painter then sharing the same belief as Klimt?

I was wondering why they chose to draw naked women over properly dressed women in their paintings? And why it seemed like a must to draw erotic scene instead of say, a happy family at dining table?

And my thought on these things keep boggling in my mind.

While waiting for the answers to come and knock my head, I made the pencil dances on paper as to pour down my emotions and to excrete out that distressful headache.

I let my mind to recess.

I drew four faces. Two girls, one woman, and one man. Signed off and dated. I pinned the drawing on the wall. I wish I could scan and upload it, but I was too shy to do so. It was pretty ugly.

But the feeling of having drawn something out of the blue was wonderful. I was happy and relieved. That was a complete undress of everything.

And I think again, that was may be the feeling that these painters had. That was may be the only reason why they called this beautiful art erotic. Just may be.

Drawing is quite similar to writing. You can portray almost everything through them. Sometimes the more painful you are, the more  beautiful your artworks would be.

And like emotions and feelings these are inexplicable.

It never a matter of who you are, or what position you hold, your attitude must be right. As a matured adult, who claimed to have gained a lot of experiences, I don’t expect you to behave in such idiotic way.

I know what is right to me. Of course, so long it doesn’t violate the creeds that I believe in, I consider it right. Simple.

When I think something that is not right, surely I will speak out. That is how I work.

The End.

But, somehow I feel like there’s no more chance for me. I keep sinning. Repent for a moment, and later do the same offence again.

Sometimes, I think I lied to him, more frequent than  I lied to His creatures. How sinful! I promised to be a good Muslim. I promised to practice what is religiously right and promise to leave what is religiously wrong.

And these promises been haunting me. Reminding me that I don’t have much time. I need to hurry. Or I will be thrown into a wild and unbearably violent hell-fire.

Today is already Zulhijjah. I am now 26. I think I have not been heeding to His commandments . I am scared that the punishment will come to me soon. I am afraid that He will take me before I am ready. I am frantically worried that my ibadah will not be accepted.

I hope this penitence will last long. I need to be more careful. This feeling definitely helps me to remember Him in my every breath.