This is painful- the feeling of not liking yourself. I know I should not be too hard on myself, but I just can not. The feeling is growing stronger as I get older.
17 of September every year, I would do a detailed examination on myself. How far have I progressed as a person?
Have I become better?
These are the questions that I ask myself, every year, on my birthday.
This year, I turn 31.
I am not happy reaching this age as I have not made pronounced changes in myself. I have not put enough efforts towards self-betterment.
Honestly, there are many things that I want to change about myself but I have failed miserably.
I do not know whether I have tried enough to improve my relationship with Allah. Have all the sins forgiven?
I do not know either, how much effort have I made to be accepted by others, especially those that I hold dear in my heart.
How much joy have I brought into their life?
I want my presence to be felt and my absence to be missed. I want my existence to be a reason for someone to smile. It would hurt me deeply if it is ignored and unfavored. So long it is taken in that manner then the definition of happiness will be forever incomplete.
I hope, that I am able to be a better version of me, every year. No matter how deplorably I have failed, I really hope that I will not give up trying to be better.
Happy 31st Birthday to me! 🙂