DON’T LEAVE ME

It was when I knew nothing about life that you left me with meaningful lessons of life. I talked to you a week before that life would never be the same without you.

But you still went off because Allah loves you more. Or may be you were loved less- by me.

If you asked me what would be thing that I regret not doing while you were still alive?

It would be-

Hugging you tightly when you were helplessly laying down on the bed.

Because that was your last wish but I refused to do.

Death separated us apart. And the remorse doesn’t seem to depart.

SECOND LETTER FOR HER

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

I am in the lab, alone. Got some works to finish, before I can really go home, seeing you, Iona. Wait, I will be there in no later than 6.

You were not feeling well the last few days. You had fever. Your body temperature was 39 degree celcius. I was constantly worried that I opted not to go to lab, on Monday.

I was concerned because I did not want anything happens to you. Or rather, I did not want the same thing happens you, again.  It is not that I don’t believe in your babysitter, my sister, whom I entrusted to look after you, but I seriously thought that I need to be with you.

Our Monday was going well. We had fun reading books and dancing and eating. It has been awhile since we did all these activities together, right?

Continue reading “SECOND LETTER FOR HER”

READING

Assalamualaikum.

While writing this I can hear very clearly birds tweeting as to greet me who happens to wake up a lil bit early this morning. Usually I would go to sleep right after Subuh prayer during weekends but not today.

I plan to finish a book today, getting myself lost in every chapter. I have a lot of books to be read, which have been abandoned for months. Now that I have gotten new book voucher so I must finish these books before the new ones hit the shelf.

I started to have this hobby since I was in secondary school. My late Abah would buy a magazine once a month just to inculcate the habit of reading in me. I started with variasari. I am not sure whether it is still published now but it was as popular as Mastika then.

Continue reading “READING”

MUHAMMAD

Recently, I read an article shared by one of my fb friends on how to make the prophet real to small children. It is an enlightening read, especially for me, a young parent who is still searching the best method to ‘introduce’ Muhammad and Allah to my daughter, Iona.

It is never too early to impart this on our children, as the author put it in the article. We can not wait until the children grow up because it might be too late. Verily, it is  important for muslim parents to educate children the Islamic way of life. Other than Quran and hadith, Muhammad is an excellent example for us to follow (Quran, 33: 21).

The author has successfully mentioned how to subtly teach children to be like Muhammad. All the tips that were given in the writing are really useful and feasible.

I am not going to summarize them here. You can read it on your own. And tell me what you feel after reading it.

Because I personally felt like being slapped right in my face! I mean, how could I claim myself a Muslim and a good parent if I have never taught my daughter about Muhammad? How can a Muslim be a real Muslim without emulating Muhammad? Quran has mentioned that he is an excellent pattern for anyone but we still disregard him in our daily life?

Continue reading “MUHAMMAD”

WHY PHD?

On 24th December 2014, I registered as a Phd student at UiTM, Shah Alam. I made that decision of pursuing studies in fact earlier than that, and it was confirmed after I received a young lecturer scholarship from the same uni, UiTM.

So, many people asked me, why do I do Phd? Like, I already have a job, and I can get a job elsewhere with my master, but why Phd?

Some of them also asked,  why do I start Phd now, not then, when I was a bachelor? Like, of course, when you’re married and have a child to take care of, doing Phd might not be a good option, at least to these questioners.

Now, it is always my ambition to be a lecturer. I applied TPM (the scheme) since 2009, right after I finished doing undergrad studies but I had never been called for interview, not even once. So I had to use my own money to do masters which I did in 2011 in UM. I did it afterwork since I was working as a young lecturer at Masterskill (now known as AMU). After that, I worked at KYUEM and then, PASUM. I completed my masters in 2013, 3 days after I got married.

Continue reading “WHY PHD?”

Masa

Terlalu banyak masa yang sudah kita guna untuk orang lain. Tidak kasihankah kita pada diri kita sendiri? Yang juga mahukan perhatian yang serupa, atau mungkin lebih lagi?

Sudah banyak peringatan yang Tuhan beri, agar, kita sentiasa merenung diri. Dan banyak juga amaran yang tertulis dalam al-Quran agar kita berwaspada dalam mencermin orang lain.

Kita tidak pernah baca, dengar dan faham atau kita sudah hadam, cuma kita rasa ada waktunya kita perlu menghakimi orang?

Kawan-kawan, dunia ini sudah banyak umurnya. Kalaupun tidak dia, bila bila masa sahaja kita pasti pulang bertemu Tuhan.

Kenapa masih banyak waktu kita luangkan untuk melihat orang lain? Buruk manapun orang lain tidak menentukan untung nasib kita di akhirat nanti.

Kalaupun ada dalam kalangan kita yang terhanyut dengan hasutan dunia, janganlah dihakimi membabi buta. Tariklah tangan mereka agar ke pangkal jalan semula.

Ingat, setiap daripada kita adalah pendosa, yang masih bergelut untuk membersihkan dosa-dosa semalam.

Setiap kali melihat ada yang tertewas dengan nikmat dunia, lihatlah semula diri kita, apa kita sudah benar kebal dengan noda?

Bukan.

Saya tidak menyarankan agar kita pejam mata dan biar maksiat jadi tuan. Saya cuma harap, lebih banyak ibadat yang kita buat, lebih dekat lah dengan umat, bukan sebaliknya.

Adab dan akhlak itu penting.

Paling penting, selalulah rasa berdosa. Bimbing yang lain sama-sama mengejar redha Tuhan.  Jangan mudah rasa diri cukup dengan amalan yang kitapun masih belum tahu sama ada di terima atau di tolak Tuhan.

Jadi jangan ditolak mereka yang kamu rasa calon neraka. Dosa dan pahala itu benar jelas. Hukum hakam itu benar jelas. Yang kita tidak akan pernah jelas ialah cara Tuhan bekerja.

Doalah semoga kita semua istiqamah.

Semoga kita mendapat husnul khatimah.

Ya?

 

 

IONA TASNIM’S STORY

You read it right.

This post is about my dearest daughter Iona Tasnim. Her struggles at a very young age battling for her life. It took a year for me to write and share this in public. Actually. I had this intention right after Iona discharged but I postponed.

But before I describe further, I hope this very entry will not be misunderstood. I write this not because I am being pathetic or I can not move on or I am being an attention-getter. I just hope that this entry will benefit parents out there.

Iona Tasnim was born on 3rd Sept 2014, in PPUM.  After few days in the hospital, she was brought back home. Nothing unusual happened. She was just a normal baby. After 2 months of confinement, and my wife commenced working, she was sent to Cik Pah, a babysitter in Pantai Dalam/Kerinchi.

Iona had unresolved fever in the end of December until mid of January. Worrying about this, I saw doctors  just to make sure that nothing serious about the fever. Yes, DOCTORS.

I went to quite a number of private clinics as well as government hospitals. At the same time we also tried traditional healing. You name it. We had tried everything. But the temperature did not go down. If it did, it lasted only a few days, then, it rose back.

The temperature ranged from 37-39. Highest was 39! I was really worried and started pondering why it is so hard to cool her temp down.  So I decided to go to Emergency Department at PPUM to have a blood test. Dr did do the blood test but the result was negative. Meaning, nothing to be worried about. .

We were so relieved. But Dr said if the condition (flu, fever) prolonged and Iona is not active, we need to bring her immediately to hosp. So we went home. The temp dropped back to normal but after a week it rose back to 39.

Friday, 16th January 2015, me and wife fetched Iona at Cik Pah’s house around 6 p.m.

Iona was weak. She was not responsive. She didn’t response when I called her name. She was just quite and didn’t move a lot. Cik Pah said Iona was behaving such way since morning. In fact, she puked more than three times that day.

That night, without having a second thought, me and wife went to PPUM Emergency and we told the Dr in charge everything but Dr said it is normal for a baby like her (at age of 4 months old) to have fever and flu and vomit. I said it is not normal, she had been irresponsive the whole day. She said, no, it is normal. It is me that worried too much.

She asked me to just wipe Iona with wet clothes so the temp would drop. Unsurprisingly the temp dropped, for awhile. We were asked to go home and advised not to come to emergency for this kind of petty case as they have a lot of emergency cases to deal with. I was really surprised that Iona was treated as non-emergency case.

We went home quite worryingly knowing that Iona is not okay. I remember it was 3.30 a.m when we reached home. I fell asleep while my wife nursing Iona since she didn’t seem want to sleep. 5 a.m. I was woken up by wife. She was terrified as Iona was shaking her right leg incessantly for more than 5 minutes. We thought she was cold. So I googled what symptom could that be. While googling, Iona’s right hand was shivering. And I immediately decided to bring her to hosp. I knew she was not cold. She was fitting! (temperature was just 37 at that time, surprisingly!) [Fitting =seizures, epilepsy]

We reached PPUM around 6 a.m. Dr suspected that she might have been shaken or brutally abused. So CT scan needed to validate. Iona was almost unconscious. Her eyes were half closed. But from the results of CT scan, there was no sign of abuse. So Dr said iona might have been infected. She was immediately sent to PICU. And Iona did not stop fitting that Dr had to give her some AEP drugs. I know in details every drug that they used on my daughter back then, but now I slowly forgot, may be because I myself chose not to remember.

17th Jan 2015, was the first day iona at PICU. As the fitting did not cease Dr decided to sedate her. She was wearing diapers only because the temperature was so high. She was using life support, wired everywhere. I still have the picture but no, I can’t even look at it until now. It breaks my heart into pieces every time I tried to. Every time!

Dr kept giving her antibiotics as they suspected her brain has been severely infected. They knew it from the second CT scan where it was pretty obvious that there were parts of her brain that have stopped receiving blood and oxygen. They called it brain infarction. After 2 days, Iona had no positive response. In order to know the real cause of her disease, Lumbar Puncture (LP) needed to be done. I was quite reluctant to sign on her behalf but I had no choice.

I vividly remember, Dr said, your daughter is dying, we can not just wait. Can you imagine, an active child that been with me for four months was fighting for her life now! Can you imagine how devastated my wife felt upon listening to it? She carried Iona for 9 months, feeding her and now that very baby is lying on bed demanding for life ! You didn’t see the pain that we took behind every smile we drew. You just probably did not.

So LP was done and finally the doctors discovered that Iona’s brain was infected and so were her lung and  blood. She was diagnosed with meningitis, sepsis and pneumonia. Again, I was begging to God to save my daughter. I wanted to see her growing. Dr said if there’s no response, we need to do blood transfusion, which is the last resort.

Miracles happened. Iona responded to the antibiotics right before blood transfusion was done. Alhamdulillah.

But she was still sedated as the she may get fitted again if she was awake. Heart rate was very high,  180++ until 3rd to 4th day in PICU. Fever was still unresolved. Dr changed the meds to somewhat higher and now it was more specific since they already knew the pathogen. Spectrococal something, sorry just couldn’t recall.

On day 6, she was transferred to normal ward. She was not really stable but she had not used life support anymore means she could breathe on her own. But fitting, fever, and heart rate were still a problem. She stayed in that ward for I week or so and during the stay she did many tests, like ECG and etc.

Dr kept saying that for this kind of case, severe infection on the brain, (with some brain infarct), the prognosis is expected to be poor that she may have delay in development, learning, speech, hearing, sight and etc. Every time Dr told us that, I would pull my wife close and calmed her down. And we cried until we fell asleep.

After 2 weeks in the hospital, Iona was discharged. She needed to be monitored for 2 years. She had to go through physio (which is still ongoing), eye and hearing check-ups, and etc. It took sometime for Iona to be fully okay even though she was discharged. Her development was like a newborn. She had to learn everything, again.

Alhamdulillah, after a year, she is now happy and healthy. Of course, there are things that we need to do to make sure that she is really recovered but we are very glad that we never give up on her. We are so happy that we survived.

If you ask, how can a baby be infected that severely, I have never had the answer, and so did the Drs. They said, these pathogens are in the air, everyone, not only baby, but everyone is prone to be infected.

Allah chose us to have gone through this and we never regret. It has made us a better and stronger person in so many ways. It has brought us closer to Allah and it, in fact, has deepened our affection towards our very dearly daughter, Iona Tasnim.