I don’t remember when was the last time I got excited about winning things. Probably, that was when I represented university for national debating championships. Me and my team mates worked our socks off to… More
You turned two years old last Saturday, on 3rd September 2016. We went to AEON to buy a slice of cake. It was a chocolate cheese cake; an instance of tolerance as Ibu loves chocolate very much (and hates cheese) and I fond cheese (and despise chocolates), forever. But the cake tasted good, to my surprise.
For the very first time, as it was your birthday, I allowed you to eat cake. You seemed to be enjoying every piece of it.
You are two years old now.
The feelings seeing you grow up are heterogeneous.
Partly, I am happy because you are getting healthier by day. There is nothing to worry. You are completely fine. We managed to set off all the prognosis, so I can proudly pat on your back for being strong and persistent!
But, at the same time, I am worried if I didn’t give my best to you. People say, any fool can have a baby but it takes a man to raise a child.
I do not want to be in the pool of fool, I want to be the man that you will look up to.
Question is, have I been a good father to you?
I have dreams- but dreams have gradually become something that I am not really going after, especially after I reach certain points in my life.
I had a lot of dreams when I was younger. I dreamt to be someone influential; prolific writer, a singer, an actor, politician, and motivational speaker.
Those were the days I thought I could be anything that I want. I am not sure whether that idea is still wearable now. Certainly, those dreams were just dreams. I have never worked towards realising any of them.
Because I used to believe, dreams are just foreseen broken promises that ones have in their mind. I have never believed that it can be real. Dreams are just dreams.
But the meaning of dreams changed from time to time. I started to see dreams as ambitions- things that we have to go after, doing whatever it takes to realize it.
Once we are determined, we can be whatever we want to be. But of course you would have to encounter few obstacles.
The most common one is you’ll see people that love to ridicule you and your efforts towards achieving your ambitions. And that can be the cause of failure. We can get easily demotivated when people belittle our dreams and that demotivation can definitely lead to devastation.
It is hard to get up and just ignore these naysayers because they consistently and persistently want to bring us down. They will not stop until you say ‘okay I give up’
People expect you to fail that’s normal but you must prove them wrong. Never ever heed to negative comments which are blatantly intended to stop you from trying.
We know what we really want and we certainly know the reasons why we chase after our dreams. People will never understand and you don’t have to trouble yourself trying to make them understand.
Keep the reaction low, let the yield speak.
I have met many types of people. I used to believe and take every single negative remarks that they put on me. I gave up before I even start trying and that’s regretful.
I don’t want to regret anymore. I just want to move forward and do the best I could to make sure my future is bright.
I have become a new person in this process that I don’t care less about what people say and think.
Be with people that know you, love you and support you. Appreciate them. Be a good person and always encourage people to go after their dreams.
Don’t be a person that causes failures of others. Don’t discourage people from trying.
We all have our own dreams. It may sound impossible to some people but it is okay.
The only thing matters is you. Be you and make yourself proud.
I re-shared my fb post that I posted 2 years ago- on this very pervasive tendency of people giving opinion on issues that they are NOT well-verse of. This is called ultracrepidarianism. The term that I myself learned from Think Like A Freak.
After two years, this habit seems to have no sign of ceasing but to my surprise it has become a norm to our society. Apart from ‘hollier-than-thou‘, this is another syndrome that apparently well-celebrated by the community.
These two diseases exist because of three main factors :
- The myriad and tonnes of information available online which people have a facile access to it.
- The spirit to know things- spirit of inquiry- sense of curiosity (you name it)
- Herd/mob mentality which people tend to be influenced by their peers and surroundings (majority).
Well, I don’t have enough time to spell out every mentioned factors but I am sure that you know them quite well.
I plan to start doing experiment early today because the reaction will take about 12 hour to complete. The earlier I start, the earlier I can go home, I presume.
But things happened.
I reached UiTM around 6 and went straight to lab only to realise the access card was broken. I tried to flash the card for many times but it didn’t work. So, I had to wait my friends to come and give me another card.
I managed to calm myself down after receiving soothing words from wife saying that
Allah loves you, Abang. He wants you to be more patient. There must be blessings in disguise.
It took me moments to have realised that I can just plan, Allah will determine whether my plans can be executed or not. I believe, there must be reasons why Allah delayed me.
I smiled to myself. Hey this is just a small matter which should not let me down. I decided to be positive and start the work later, around 1130 a.m.
This is one of the challenges that I have to face. Unexpected obstacles. Having faith in Allah is the best way to be strong and ready to deal with these circumstances.
Seriously, these couple of weeks have been really challenging for me, emotionally. I pushed myself very hard that at times, I have to admit that I am no perfect that there are things that I need to learn slowly . I have set a very high standard for me to achieve and I know it can be unattainable. I have always been like that. And it is killing me slowly now.
I still try to learn to know myself, appreciate myself more and value every hard work that I did; things that I rarely do.
The dilemma is, what attributes should I have to excel? As for now, hating myself, pushing myself to the limit and punishing myself when I did not perform are things that seem to be plausible.
Backyard after 5-
were the the venue and time we met almost daily.
It was you, Cassava my only friend that I had when I was a kid. Probably, I was just not friendly that there were no friends to befriended with.
I spoke to you about dissatisfaction -about love that was not reciprocal -about uncertainty of life -about biases and perceptions
about growing up as a man
so I can run away from the repetitive forlorn days
because I fed up hearing people comparing me with nonsense
dictating the way I should live my life
and the kind of man that I should be
I just want to grow up
being with you,
and being myself
It was when I knew nothing about life that you left me with meaningful lessons of life. I talked to you a week before that life would never be the same without you.
But you still went off because Allah loves you more. Or may be you were loved less- by me.
If you asked me what would be thing that I regret not doing while you were still alive?
It would be-
Hugging you tightly when you were helplessly laying down on the bed.
Because that was your last wish but I refused to do.
Death separated us apart. And the remorse doesn’t seem to depart.
I am in the lab, alone. Got some works to finish, before I can really go home, seeing you, Iona. Wait, I will be there in no later than 6.
You were not feeling well the last few days. You had fever. Your body temperature was 39 degree celcius. I was constantly worried that I opted not to go to lab, on Monday.
I was concerned because I did not want anything happens to you. Or rather, I did not want the same thing happens you, again. It is not that I don’t believe in your babysitter, my sister, whom I entrusted to look after you, but I seriously thought that I need to be with you.
Our Monday was going well. We had fun reading books and dancing and eating. It has been awhile since we did all these activities together, right?