SYURGA BUATMU, AMIN

Sejujurnya, saya masih lagi terkejut dengan pemergian sahabat saya Noor Mohamad Amin tanggal 6 Julai 2017, khamis lalu.

Pagi itu, saya bersama-sama dengan penyelia membuat pembetulan kertas kajian. Saya dikhabarkan yang arwah koma dan berada di Hospital Shah Alam. Sebaik sahaja perbincangan selesai, saya menerima berita yang arwah sudah menghembuskan nafasnya yang terakhir.

Allahuakbar.

Saya kenali arwah dalam bulan Jun 2015, sewaktu kami mula-mula mendaftar sebagai pelajar pasca-siswazah. Kami jadi rapat sejak itu atas pelbagai urusan pengajian. Pernah beberapa kali serumah sewaktu persidangan dan pernah menghadiri kursus bersama-sama.

Arwah seorang yang sangat pendiam tetapi murah dengan senyuman. Adalah sesekali dia bergurau-gurau. Tetapi kebanyakan masanya dia hanya menjadi pemerhati bila rakan-rakan lain rancak berbual-bual.

Saya sedar akan perubahan fizikalnya sejak awal tahun ini. Dia nampak semakin kurus, rambutnya semakin berkurang, dan bibirnya pecah dan kekeringan. Bila saya tanya kenapa arwah hanya jawab

“Aku salah makan ubat”

Saya ada menyuruhnya ke hospital dan klinik kesihatan pelajar untuk mendapat rawatan tapi cepat-cepat dia tepis. Dia kata

“Aku tak ada apa-apa. Usah risau”

Selepas itu, saya ada jumpa dia berkali-kali di kafe dan pusat islam. Kami hanya sempat bertegur sapa tapi tidak banyak yang kami bualkan. Daripada pemerhatian saya, tahap kesihatan arwah bertambah teruk.

Yang saya sesali adalah saya tidak beria-ia memaksa beliau ke hospital. Saya fikir, saya tidak mahu dia jadi rimas pula. Kawan-kawan yang rapat dengan saya tahu kadang-kadang saya boleh membebel berjam-jam dan itu boleh jadi sangat menjengkelkan.

Allah sahaja yang tahu betapa rasa bersalahnya saya membiarkan dia bergelut dengan sakitnya sendiri. Saya faham dia pendiam. Sepatutnya saya mengambil langkah lebih aktif membawanya ke hospital untuk mendapat rawatan.

Tapi iyalah. Sudah ketentuannya begitu. Saya redha.

Kematian begitulah sifatnya. Sebaik mana kamu berusaha untuk jauhi, kematian tetap semakin dekat. Tidak akan cepat atau lewat sesaat.

Kematian membuka liang-liang keinsafan yang selama ini mungkin terdebu dengan seronoknya dunia. Kematian membuatkan aku benar-benar berfikir.

Besok, bila masanya sudah tiba, saya akan pergi juga. Yang saya perlu risaukan bukanlah apa yang saya tinggalkan, tetapi apakah amal yang bakal saya bawa bertemu Tuhan.

Maafkan aku Amin, andai ada kata-kata dan tingkahlaku yang tidak menyenangkan. Selamatlah engkau berangkat ke negeri abadi. Suatu hari nanti aku juga pasti pergi. Saat itu, aku pohon semoga Allah menemukan kita semula dalam syurga Firdausi.

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Sebelum Pulang

Sebenarnya,

Yang paling aneh tentang kehidupan itu bukan kerana kamu sering sendiri saat kamu susah, tetapi betapa senangnya kamu melupakan kesusahan saat kamu tidak sendiri lagi-

Sedangkan sendirian itulah teman yang menjadikan kamu kuat berdiri, berlari malah menari

Walau ada waktunya kamu bersoal-soal sendiri

Siapa akan hadir waktu ini kalau aku ajak ketemu dan berjumpa? Terdengarkah atau tidak setiap jerih yang melaung dari dasar hati yang mendatar ini?

Soalan-soalan yang tidak membahagiakan seperti itu hanya menekan lagi hidupmu. Jadi mengapa perlu?

Begitulah dewasa mengajarkan erti hidup dan kehidupan. Kerana itu teman, andai nanti kamu rasa tiada sesiapa yang mahu mendekatimu kerana kamu tidak punya apa-apa yang istimewa-

Pulang segera ke pangkuan yang Maha Mencipta-

Lihat semula insan-insan hebat yang Dia berikan kepadamu, walau kamu manusia paling dingin, kompleks dan tidak menentu-

Pulang dan dakap setiap satu tubuh yang rohnya hidup kerana kamu

dan mungkin untuk kamu.

Hari ini adalah hari yang sama seperti sebelumnya

berusaha atas daya sendiri- menari tanpa pasangan- ketawa dan menangis tanpa teman,

Bezanya, hari ini kamu punya insan yang setia menantimu pulang

pulang

 

Does Emotion Affect Productivity?

Assalamualaikum and good evening,

This entry is written after realizing that it has been almost 3 months since I wrote something here. I am happy if I could write at least an entry monthly. So, I am quite off-track. I know, though the number of readers is not many, but there are people who read my blog and that makes me really really happy. So please don’t stop making me happy ya? Hahaha

Speaking of happiness, today, my labmates and I had a light discussion on how emotions could have affected the results of our experiments.The happier, the better. This is not my first time I heard about this so-called theory, I have heard about it from some other people as well, those who have obtained their doctoral degrees.

I am a person who does not believe any theory easily. At least, not until I experience it myself. As of this date, I am sure that my mood was okay when I conducted experiments but I still obtained bad results so I assume, emotions do not really help me to get good results.

Because to me, works are not dependent upon emotions only but also interest in doing it. We need passion- doing things wholeheartedly- so as to see good outcomes. It is good if we can keep ourselves focused despite what we feel inside. Things must be done, regardless the state of emotions

Every one of us struggles with different emotional instability. In fact, it is common when we descend down the valley of spirit every now and then but if we focus too much what to feel instead of what to do then we would end up getting nothing done.

We would be feeling even more terrible when days wasted on petty things while our works abandoned. Ignore what envelops our heart for a moment, get things done and be always reminded what we do now will determine where will we be, tomorrow.

That’s all for now, Salam Maghrib everyone!

 

WINNING

I don’t remember when was the last time I got excited about winning things. Probably, that was when I represented university for national debating championships. Me and my team mates worked our socks off to get cups for the university.

We won a few, we lost a lot.

After some time, I could feel the same thrill again when I joined IIDEX2016 (Innovation, Invention and Design Exposition) organised by UiTM this week. It is actually an annual expo held to encourage more innovations and inventions among researchers.

As a first-timer, I have no idea at all about the expo. I was asked to present a poster based on my co-supervisor’s PhD project. Of course, I wanted to give my best as she entrusted me with the task. But, I think I didn’t perform well during the presentation. I believe, I could have given more than that. It is always like that; believing that I could have done better.

But we still get bronze for that project, mainly because the project itself is superb. So, all the credit should go to my co-sv. I am happy that despite my so-so presentation, we still get the place.

Although I am not happy with what I have presented, I am lucky to be part of the project as I learned a lot throughout the process especially when I saw other impressive gold medalists’ posters, products and presentations. I hope I can be as good as them.

Yes, it is good to be competitive for it will propel myself further, and push me to the very limit. Seriously, I can not really fathom why some people see competitiveness negatively.

I am grateful for all the experience that I gained from this expo.

I can’t wait for the next edition.

 

 

31

This is painful- the feeling of not liking yourself.  I know I should not be too hard on myself, but I just can not. The feeling is growing stronger as I get older.

17 of September every year, I would do a detailed examination on myself. How far have I progressed as a person?

Have I become better?

These are the questions that I ask myself, every year, on my birthday.

This year, I turn 31.

I am not happy reaching this age as I have not made pronounced changes in myself. I have not put enough efforts towards self-betterment.

Honestly, there are many things that I want to change about myself but I have failed miserably.

I do not know whether I have tried enough to improve my relationship with Allah. Have all the sins forgiven?

I do not know either, how much effort have I made to be accepted by others, especially those that I hold dear in my heart.

How much joy have I brought into their life?

I want my presence to be felt and my absence to be missed. I want my existence to be a reason for someone to smile.  It would hurt me deeply if it is ignored and unfavored. So long it is taken in that manner then the definition of happiness will be forever incomplete.

I hope, that I am able to be a better version of me, every year. No matter how deplorably I have failed, I really hope that I will not give up trying to be better.

Happy 31st Birthday to me! 🙂