Sebenarnya, Yang paling aneh tentang kehidupan itu bukan kerana kamu sering sendiri saat kamu susah, tetapi betapa senangnya kamu melupakan kesusahan saat kamu tidak sendiri lagi- Sedangkan sendirian itulah teman yang menjadikan kamu kuat berdiri,… More
This is painful- the feeling of not liking yourself. I know I should not be too hard on myself, but I just can not. The feeling is growing stronger as I get older.
17 of September every year, I would do a detailed examination on myself. How far have I progressed as a person?
Have I become better?
These are the questions that I ask myself, every year, on my birthday.
This year, I turn 31.
I am not happy reaching this age as I have not made pronounced changes in myself. I have not put enough efforts towards self-betterment.
Honestly, there are many things that I want to change about myself but I have failed miserably.
I do not know whether I have tried enough to improve my relationship with Allah. Have all the sins forgiven?
I do not know either, how much effort have I made to be accepted by others, especially those that I hold dear in my heart.
How much joy have I brought into their life?
I want my presence to be felt and my absence to be missed. I want my existence to be a reason for someone to smile. It would hurt me deeply if it is ignored and unfavored. So long it is taken in that manner then the definition of happiness will be forever incomplete.
I hope, that I am able to be a better version of me, every year. No matter how deplorably I have failed, I really hope that I will not give up trying to be better.
Happy 31st Birthday to me! 🙂
This is for my beloved wife.
I want it to be read by others too, hence I put it up on this blog. You may find this obnoxious, but I seriously think that everyone can relate to this ‘story’.
My wife was not happy today when she reached her office. At least, not as happy as she was when she left home and when I kissed her forehead this morning. I knew it from the message that she sent to me.
‘Do I look good?’
‘Am I ugly?’
I knew it right away that she is not okay.
‘Tell me, am I beautiful?’
I said ‘Of course, you ARE beautiful’.
For the record, she has never asked me these kinds of question before, I mean, with that serious tone so I suspect there’s must be something happen in the office.
So she told me that someone derided the way she looks, with the dated attire and hijab and pimples. That person said my wife looks old.
This is not the first time she received this negative remark. Before this people even imitated the way she walks. But she was so okay and never get offended with all these nonsenses.
But not today. Continue reading “You ARE Beautiful!”
You turned two years old last Saturday, on 3rd September 2016. We went to AEON to buy a slice of cake. It was a chocolate cheese cake; an instance of tolerance as Ibu loves chocolate very much (and hates cheese) and I fond cheese (and despise chocolates), forever. But the cake tasted good, to my surprise.
For the very first time, as it was your birthday, I allowed you to eat cake. You seemed to be enjoying every piece of it.
You are two years old now.
The feelings seeing you grow up are heterogeneous.
Partly, I am happy because you are getting healthier by day. There is nothing to worry. You are completely fine. We managed to set off all the prognosis, so I can proudly pat on your back for being strong and persistent!
But, at the same time, I am worried if I didn’t give my best to you. People say, any fool can have a baby but it takes a man to raise a child.
I do not want to be in the pool of fool, I want to be the man that you will look up to.
Question is, have I been a good father to you?
I have dreams- but dreams have gradually become something that I am not really going after, especially after I reach certain points in my life.
I had a lot of dreams when I was younger. I dreamt to be someone influential; prolific writer, a singer, an actor, politician, and motivational speaker.
Those were the days I thought I could be anything that I want. I am not sure whether that idea is still wearable now. Certainly, those dreams were just dreams. I have never worked towards realising any of them.
Because I used to believe, dreams are just foreseen broken promises that ones have in their mind. I have never believed that it can be real. Dreams are just dreams.
But the meaning of dreams changed from time to time. I started to see dreams as ambitions- things that we have to go after, doing whatever it takes to realize it.
Once we are determined, we can be whatever we want to be. But of course you would have to encounter few obstacles.
The most common one is you’ll see people that love to ridicule you and your efforts towards achieving your ambitions. And that can be the cause of failure. We can get easily demotivated when people belittle our dreams and that demotivation can definitely lead to devastation.
It is hard to get up and just ignore these naysayers because they consistently and persistently want to bring us down. They will not stop until you say ‘okay I give up’
People expect you to fail that’s normal but you must prove them wrong. Never ever heed to negative comments which are blatantly intended to stop you from trying.
We know what we really want and we certainly know the reasons why we chase after our dreams. People will never understand and you don’t have to trouble yourself trying to make them understand.
Keep the reaction low, let the yield speak.
I have met many types of people. I used to believe and take every single negative remarks that they put on me. I gave up before I even start trying and that’s regretful.
I don’t want to regret anymore. I just want to move forward and do the best I could to make sure my future is bright.
I have become a new person in this process that I don’t care less about what people say and think.
Be with people that know you, love you and support you. Appreciate them. Be a good person and always encourage people to go after their dreams.
Don’t be a person that causes failures of others. Don’t discourage people from trying.
We all have our own dreams. It may sound impossible to some people but it is okay.
The only thing matters is you. Be you and make yourself proud.
I re-shared my fb post that I posted 2 years ago- on this very pervasive tendency of people giving opinion on issues that they are NOT well-verse of. This is called ultracrepidarianism. The term that I myself learned from Think Like A Freak.
After two years, this habit seems to have no sign of ceasing but to my surprise it has become a norm to our society. Apart from ‘hollier-than-thou‘, this is another syndrome that apparently well-celebrated by the community.
These two diseases exist because of three main factors :
- The myriad and tonnes of information available online which people have a facile access to it.
- The spirit to know things- spirit of inquiry- sense of curiosity (you name it)
- Herd/mob mentality which people tend to be influenced by their peers and surroundings (majority).
Well, I don’t have enough time to spell out every mentioned factors but I am sure that you know them quite well.
I plan to start doing experiment early today because the reaction will take about 12 hour to complete. The earlier I start, the earlier I can go home, I presume.
But things happened.
I reached UiTM around 6 and went straight to lab only to realise the access card was broken. I tried to flash the card for many times but it didn’t work. So, I had to wait my friends to come and give me another card.
I managed to calm myself down after receiving soothing words from wife saying that
Allah loves you, Abang. He wants you to be more patient. There must be blessings in disguise.
It took me moments to have realised that I can just plan, Allah will determine whether my plans can be executed or not. I believe, there must be reasons why Allah delayed me.
I smiled to myself. Hey this is just a small matter which should not let me down. I decided to be positive and start the work later, around 1130 a.m.
This is one of the challenges that I have to face. Unexpected obstacles. Having faith in Allah is the best way to be strong and ready to deal with these circumstances.
Seriously, these couple of weeks have been really challenging for me, emotionally. I pushed myself very hard that at times, I have to admit that I am no perfect that there are things that I need to learn slowly . I have set a very high standard for me to achieve and I know it can be unattainable. I have always been like that. And it is killing me slowly now.
I still try to learn to know myself, appreciate myself more and value every hard work that I did; things that I rarely do.
The dilemma is, what attributes should I have to excel? As for now, hating myself, pushing myself to the limit and punishing myself when I did not perform are things that seem to be plausible.
Backyard after 5-
were the the venue and time we met almost daily.
It was you, Cassava my only friend that I had when I was a kid. Probably, I was just not friendly that there were no friends to befriended with.
I spoke to you about dissatisfaction -about love that was not reciprocal -about uncertainty of life -about biases and perceptions
about growing up as a man
so I can run away from the repetitive forlorn days
because I fed up hearing people comparing me with nonsense
dictating the way I should live my life
and the kind of man that I should be
I just want to grow up
being with you,
and being myself